Apologies for lack of posts yesterday, I didn’t really have anything to write about and on top of that I wasn’t feeling particularly well.
This morning I had a very unsettling experience and I still don’t know what caused it (whether it was just because of my depression and/or anxiety, or whether it was because I upped my dose of citalopram yesterday, or whether it was because my sleep was quite disrupted last night…who knows?). This experience? Depersonalisation.
I’m very interested in psychology, so I had read about dissociative states before – depersonalisation, derealisation, fugue states and what have you. Luckily this meant I was aware of what I was going through, so it maybe calmed my nerves a bit (but not much – I still felt very panicky).
It was like I was seeing everything in a totally new way (for example, everything looked so much sharper and more vivid, but at times it went the opposite way and everything looked somehow distorted), and I was drifting, an observer. I haven’t been high but it’s what I imagine being high on some sort of hallucinogenic feels like. I could interact with my surroundings but it felt like I didn’t really exist. I actually felt like I was in a video game and I was navigating my way through different levels. Getting ready in the flat was one level, and then when I stepped outside I felt like I was observing my “character” try to navigate a new scenario. It was kind of scary crossing roads because I actually had to try to force myself out of this state and think, “you don’t have unlimited lives – be careful!”.
Even when I was in my lecture, I felt like I was an observer from the outside. It felt so surreal when the lecturer started directing questions at me and he responded to my answers – there was this heightened sense of existence and I remember thinking to myself, “wow, other people can see me and interact with me?”. At this point the ‘video game’ feeling had passed and it was more of a ‘TV’ feeling – like I was observing and following what was going on but I wasn’t actually involved.
It was definitely the most surreal experience I’ve ever had and I found it really quite distressing, especially since it lasted a good five hours or so.
Has anyone else ever had this happen to them?